This is something that I had worked on with a friend of mine (bad_influence) for an RPG that I was running about 2 years back. We had a Musical Day in the RPG where a spell went awry and all the characters couldn't contain themselves (yes, for all you Buffy fans, the majority of the RP'ers at the time, were huge Joss fans and that's where the idea sprung from). There are a few minor references to non-canon characters and events, but overall this parody is typical Ron/Hermione.

If people really like this maybe I'll post a few more of the parodies later after work.

I left in the original actions as well, so it reads in story/script format. I wrote Ron's parts, plus the strange interlude. Hermione was written by my friend. And I'll give a gold star to whoever can guess who the strange guest is in the middle of the musical number is. ^-^

This particular song happens to be a parody of "I'll Never Tell" from the Buffy musical episode.


I’ll Never Tell (Ron & Hermione)

Hermione blinked her eyes open and yawned, stretching up. Rubbing her cheek, she made a face when her hand came away covered with ink. Looking down at the smudged paper, she pouted. She really needed to try and remember to do an ink drying spell before she fell asleep next time. Taking out a handkerchief, she wiped the ink off her cheek and glanced at the sleeping forms of Harry and Ron. She smiled softly at the image of Ron drooling on his book.
"This is the man that I plan to entangle
Isn't he fine?"
Shaking her head, she started stacking the books and rolling her scrolls.
"My claim to fame was my brain and our brangles
Straight A's were mine
But after all of this
There's not a moment I would miss."
Glancing at Ron again, she frowned slightly as she picked up the books in her arms and stood up to go place the books neatly on a table near the side of the room.
"The only trouble is..."
She shook her head and turned away.
"I'll never tell."

Ron yawned and stretched. Ugh. This was just as bad as falling asleep in the library. He flexed his neck and rubbed his head. He could have swore that Harry had given him a good smack on the head…but he couldn’t remember having woken up…craning his neck to the side, he saw Hermione on the other side of the room, hurriedly putting away books and shoving things in her schoolbag.
“She is the one she's such wonderful fun
Such passion and grace
Warm in the night when I’m right
In her tight—“
Ugh. He really had to stop with the inappropriate thoughts…
"embrace,
Tight embrace"
He turned back to the book he had fallen asleep on. Pince wasn’t going to be too pleased. Next time, closing the book before falling asleep would be a good idea…
"I’ll never let her go
The love we've known can only grow."
He glanced back across the room. Hermione was looking around, making certain that she hadn’t forgotten anything. That was so like her.
"There's just one thing that—"
He shook his head.
"No.
I’ll never tell"
His eyes met with Hermione’s from across the room.
"'cause there's
Nothing to tell"

Turning to the table, she placed the pile of books on the side table so that they’d be out of the way of the usual traffic going through the Common Room during the day. Yawning, she rolled her eyes. She really needed to learn a good silencing charm or acquire some ear plugs.
"He snores."

He watched her flit about getting the piles of books out of the way. They had been working so hard over the past few days and still had come up with nothing thus far. Maybe he could convince them that they should take a break today. She had been whispering suggestions into his ear half the night every time he started to fall asleep. It really wasn’t fair.
"She teases"

Gathering the scrolls from around the room, she went to place them by the books when one of Ron’s rolled open, covered more with doodles of bludgers and broomsticks than notes. Huffing, she rolled the scroll back up.
"Say "homework," and he freezes"

He looked at Harry, who was still sleeping. Harry was wearing the jumper that Mrs. Weasley had made him last Christmas – it had a golden snitch on the front of it. He smiled faintly as he thought about all the Quidditch games that he and Hermione had gone to cheer on their favorite seeker. Still virtually undefeated, Ron thought with a grin. Ron went because of his love for the game as well of course, but Hermione didn't care that much for Quidditch. No more than she cared for Wizard’s chess.
"Ask her what a Wronski Feint is
And she can't describe

Walking back over to where Ron stood, she sighed as he gave her a look that recently was usually followed by the question of just what they were researching. Honestly, did she have to do all the thinking here?
"I talk,
He breezes."

Ron held up the book, rolling his eyes and feigning a yawn to indicate how incredibly stupid and useless this all was.
"She doesn't know…" He began before Hermione rewarded him with an irritated look at his expression just before smacking him in the arm.
"---Oh Jesus!"

Glaring at Ron, she sat down on one of the couches with a huff.
"He doesn’t know what pleases
No matter how I try."
Looking into the fire, she bit her lip slightly as she picked at the hem of her skirt.
"The vibe gets kind of scary.

Ron snorted in mild irritation, rubbing his arm slightly. What had he done this time? He looked over at her, her back was turned to both of them. He sighed, propping his chin up in his hand as he rested his elbow on the table.
"Like she thinks I'm ordinary"

She bit her lip, her mind going over all the events that had occurred since the Masquerade.
"Like it's all just temporary."

Ron glanced at his best friend, his hair as messy as ever, and his glasses slipped down onto the bridge of his nose.
"Like I can’t compare to Harry"

"But it's all very well"

They looked at each other.
"'Cause, god knows,
I'll never tell"

Ron picked up a photo that he had shoved into his Potions book as a placeholder last night. It was a picture that his Mum had taken at the Burrow over Christmas while he and Ginny were out shopping for robes with Percy and Myriah. The twins had just jumped out of a hiding spot at her and she was clinging to Harry’s arm, a horrified look on her face, while the twins and Harry were doubled over in laughter. He sang on, a little louder.
"When things get scary
She just hides behind her Harry"
She looked over, shooting him a look of disbelief at the accusation.
"Now look, she's getting wary
'Cause she knows that I know"

Hermione glared at Ron. Ugh, he could get so jealous sometimes. The Yule Ball their fourth year, even though he had neglected to act any on her behalf. He got so easily riled when she teased about Draco and now Harry. Huffing, she stood up and glanced at the other pictures scattered along the table, most showing Ron with his arm protectively around her.
"He clings,
He's needy
He's also really greedy
He never—"
"Krum’s really seedy!" Ron quickly inserted.
Shooting Ron another glare, she put her hands on her hips.
"This is my verse,
Hello? He—"

Suddenly a person, in old fashioned robes, burst into the common room through the portrait. He jumped around like he was having a seizure, humming another tune entirely.
"Look at me!
I'm dancin' crazy!"
He jumped around a few more times, knocking over a chair before he left through the portrait.
Ron looked at Hermione. “We have a new Gryffindor?” She shrugged.

Ron sighed and looked right into Hermione’s eyes.
"You know
You're quite the charmer"

Smiling softly, she walked over to him and grasped his hand and squeezing it gently.
"My knight in armour."

Ron beamed, his neck and ears turning red.
"You're the cutest of the witches
Worth more points than the snitch is
And your firm yet supple—" Hermione shot him a warning look.
Ugh. Stop with the immoral thoughts already! He chided himself.
"Tight embrace"

Shaking her head slightly, she giggled slightly as Ron swung her into a waltz around the room. After a few spins, they dizzily collapsed down onto the couch, smiling as they looked into each other’s eyes before they both blushed and glanced away. Fiddling at the hem of her skirt again, she sighed.
"He's swell."

He tried to catch his breath. Where in bloody hell had he learned to waltz? He couldn’t help but think about how adorable she looked in the rare moments that she blushed and looked shy.
"She's sweller"

Turning her head to glance at him, she smiled warmly at him.
"He'll always be my feller."
Feller? Shouldn’t it be fellow? Oh well, grammar must be sacrificed for the sake of rhyming apparently.

He looked away from Hermione, pulling a face and propping his head up on his hands, his elbows resting on his knees.
"That's why I’ll never
Tell her that I’m petrified."

Sighing, she rested her elbow on the arm of the sofa, gazing off into space as her mind went over the events of the weekend.
"I’ve heard these tales.
There's dating,
Then betrayals.
I know there'll come the day
I'll want to run and hide."

They both heaved a heavy sigh and continued singing as they both stared off at opposite sides of the room.
"I lied
I said it's easy."
They leaned back to back.
"I’ve tried
But there's these fears I can't quell"

Ron sighed loudly, feeling thoroughly depressed and not understanding WHERE these words were coming from…
"Is she looking for a pot of gold?"

Echoing Ron’s sigh, she brushed her hair behind her ear.
"What will happen when this plot unfolds?"

What would happen indeed…Not that he had been all that helpful, after all, he was just Ron Weasley. Failure extraordinaire.
"Will our lives become too stressful
If I’m never that successful?"

If they had a chance to have a life after all of this. Thinking about the meeting from the weekend, she rolled her eyes as she leaned heavier against Ron.
"Will we ever get the heirs
To do more than exchange glares?"

Ron glanced over his shoulder at Hermione as he felt her lean against him fully. What was he thinking? Could he ever really make her happy?
"Am I crazy?"

Feeling Ron shift behind her, she turned her head to look at him as she pushed her hair behind her ear. It just didn’t seem real so many times.
"Am I dreaming?"

What was he thinking? She was just as crazy as he was. Sometimes worse.
"SPEW took some real
Sick scheming!"

They both jumped off the sofa.
"We could
Really raise the beam
In makin' dating a hell"
Hermione strode over to Ron, looking up at him as their eyes locked.
"So, thank god,
I'll never tell
I swear
That I’ll never tell"

Ron made a motion as though he were using a key to lock his mouth. Oy, this was so incredibly CHEESY!
"My lips
Are sealed"

She giggled as she watched Ron. Ok, so she could be so cornily cute sometimes… Holding up her hand as if to take an oath in court, she tilted her head to the side in a silly manner.
"I take the fifth."

Ron wrapped his arms around Hermione’s waist and glanced over at a first year that had just come down the stairs.
"Nothing to see,"

Hermione gave the first year a stern look and nodded towards the portrait hole.
"Move it along."

The first year scurried out of the portrait hole, muttering something about there not being any classes anyway. Hermione and Ron looked back at each other, lost in each other’s gaze.
"I’ll never
Tell"
Ron leaned over slightly and kissed Hermione gently.

As Ron pulled back, he blinked slightly. “Okay, first of all, where in bloody hell did that come from?! And second of all, who was that student that came in here in the midst of having a seizure?!”

Hermione looked curiously at Ron.
”You weren’t doing this? Well, it must be a curse of some sort. I mean, people just don’t burst out into song. It’s ridiculous. It only happens in those old muggle movies my mum and dad watch and Disney cartoons. And I haven’t the faintest clue who that insane boy was. Maybe he’s one of Sven’s friends.”
She put her hands on her hips.
”And what do you MEAN SPEW took sick scheming?”

Ron
“Of course I wasn’t! Why would I want to make myself look like a complete prat dancing and prancing about! As though I KNOW a spell to do something like this. I thought you did it!” I gulped. “I’ve told you before exactly what I think about SPEW, Hermione…”

*Hermione*
"Oh, so you wouldn't do something to make yourself look like a complete imbecile, but I would? For once I thought that maybe you had done your homework and learned something outside of class, but then I guess that was asking a little too much."
She glared.
"And why must you be so against SPEW? It's as if you WANT to promote slavery. Ugh, you can be as stubborn and selfish about this as Malfoy used to be."

Ron
“Oy! Her-mi-on-eeee!” he said plaintively. “We’ve been through this, haven’t we? There are some things about the wizarding world that you just don’t understand…it’s just how it is…I’m not promoting anything! What good do you think it’ll do the wizarding world to have a couple thousand whiney Winkies running around? Birds fly, fish swim, house elves work. That’s just how it is…And what do you mean that I’m clingy?!”

*Hermione*
She huffed and threw her hands in the air.
"YOU don't understand! You're so caught up in your own world that you can't see the ways to improve it."
She glared at him.
"And I mean just what I say. Once you get your teeth in something you can't let it go. You CLING to everything. My poor little sister needs my protection. Must be with my friends all the time. Hermione, help me with my homework. Hermione, prefect's bath? Hermione, what were you doing talking with Draco? Honestly, you'd think I was a little whore that would cheat on you at any second with your best friend with the way you hover over me."

Ron
He shot her an irritated look. “Fine. This is me not being clingy. I don’t need to stand here and listen to this.” He turned round and stormed up to the boys’ dorm, coming down a moment later, all changed, and stormed out the portrait hole.

*Hermione*
"Arg!"
Throwing her hands up in the air again, she glared at Ron as he stormed out.
"Fine! Go on then and kick a table!"
Huffing, she stomped over to Harry and shook him gently.
"Harry. Harry, wake up. We need to go to breakfast."

Becca, Slytherin